And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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