Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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