I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
