She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
