the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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