And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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