I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
