Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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