i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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