All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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