dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
