he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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