Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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