Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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