Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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