dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
