I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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