She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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