Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
