I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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