the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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