I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
