One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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