The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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