I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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