And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
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