Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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