My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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