I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
