No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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