I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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