Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
