Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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