I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
