Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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