Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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