Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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