so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
In America we eat man semen.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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