She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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