I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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