My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
