I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
