I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Someone signed my nipple.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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