at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
