i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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