I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
