I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
