I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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