im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Randomize
