I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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