i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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