cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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