I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
