Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
