I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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