i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize