I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
