i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
