Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
