I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
